Darkscribes.org » Fanfiction » Dartz IRL » Grandfather » Comments
Grandfather
By Dartz IRL
Genres: N/A

Comment 1. April 16, 2008 | Posted By: Fresh C | Report Abuse | Report Spam | Assign Comment to Author
No big problems with this chapter, I'd say.

It did progress the progress a little bit, but didn't reveal any new information aside from Akagi's plan to wow Gendo. I enjoyed it, but again you've left off at a point that only leaves me slightly unsatisfied at the point of ending (read: hoping for a bit more). But of course that's just a point of preference.

The one thing I would advise against is making Naoko seem too "evil vilianish". Right now you have her set up as a character with whom it's very hard to sympathize with at all. It's not to the point of her character feeling flat, but it could easilly get there if you don't watch it.

But that's just me nitpicking. Enjoyed the presence of Misato here, though I wonder if she'd behave that way. And shinji's remenicing (sp?) of Asuka seemed apropriate. I liked the Gendo/yui interaction a lot, something not seen often in fan fics.

Overall, you're doing all right in my books. Keep it up.
Comment 2. February 29, 2008 | Posted By: Fresh C | Report Abuse | Report Spam | Assign Comment to Author
This chapter intrigues, but doesn't exactly impress.
It seems as if you're still in the set up stage of the story. Showing us glimpses of what the plot/chracter dynamic of the story could be, yet not exactly exploring it.

The most notable change in this chapter is the introduction of Yui and Misato. I don't think we really see enough of Yui here to learn much about her, but it's interesting to see that this timeline seems to be close to the time when she's absorbed into unit 1. This could lead to some interesting character development, as Yui gets to see the results of the sacrifice she made, up close and personal.

Misato is shown durring her silent act period. It's interesting to see how she treats Shinji durring this time. Seemingly taking an interest in the boy. I wonder what her relationship is with the senior Dr. Akagi. Also I see no reason why she should be in a hospital either. Being mute isn't a phisical condition (not in this case). But I'll take you on faith thus far.

Again, plotwise we just get hints of stuff. With Shinji's head going haywire when he nears himself, and the somewhat lamely orchestrated meating with his mother (how often do people honestly knock into each other?). Even though this is almost a throw-away chapter in terms of plot advancement, you seem to have a general direction here.

The only real problem I see here is a few grammar/spelling issues. They're notable, and just below the distracting level.

I would suggest getting a better pre-reader than Himonky, since he obviously sucks the big one.

Other than that, no reason not to approve. I hope it picks up speed soon.
Comment 3. November 15, 2007 | Posted By: Himonky | Report Abuse | Report Spam | Assign Comment to Author
It looks good to me.  And I figure since we're short handed I might as well pass it, seeing as all of the problems have been fixed anyway.

And it's under 24 hours!...since reupload. 
Comment 4. November 15, 2007 | Posted By: Ikarus Onesun | Report Abuse | Report Spam | Assign Comment to Author
Looks good mate.  Thumbs up here.
Comment 5. November 15, 2007 | Posted By: Fresh C | Report Abuse | Report Spam | Assign Comment to Author
It's good. You fixed all the problems I had with it. I see no reason not to approve.

Add Comment




Your email address is required for this function to work!


Remember comment details?
Yes No




Reminder: Don't make an ass of yourself. Stupid comments will be removed.

 

Copyright © 2001-2010 Darkscribes.org
2,938,433 people have visited this site.
Page generated in 0.097 seconds. | 0.001 seconds to process IP Bans. | 8 MySQL queries were executed.
Terms of Service | Site Security | GNU Public License | Privacy Policy
Hosted by RochenHost at Colo4.
Powered by the ©Darkscribes Story Management System, written by and Copyright Thomas R. Parkison 2008-2012.